Toward the end of every vacation, I like to think about the ways I’ve changed from the break in routine. A few days away from the grind might not seem like enough to produce changes in my thoughts and attitudes, but I think 4 days is perhaps the critical mass or threshold number of days you need to spend in a place for it to take hold. Some realizations I’ve made while in New Orleans:
1. Oysters are gross. I’ve always been afraid of them until last year when I tried charbroiled oysters at Drago’s Seafood restaurant. They were grilled with butter, garlic and parmesean cheese, and they were delicious. This trip, they were the first thing I ate, then I ate another plate yesterday. But then I started getting grossed out by the really big oysters which started looking like globs of snot that popped hot liquids in my mouth.
2. New Orleans is one of my favorite cities. I don’t know how it happened, but this city has really gotten to me. I’ve randomly been moved to tears, while listening to the brass band, so proud of their art, or admiring beautiful photography shot around the city, or hearing the female hymnist’s angelic voice at St. Louis Catheral mass, or seeing the water lines on the houses hit by Hurricane Katrina, still abandoned with their front lawns crazy with weeds. There’s something special about this place. And it’s not really the food that attracts me - it’s hard to find food that won’t guarantee heartburn. Maybe having lived in the reviled urban sprawl that is most of Los Angeles and Orange Counties the last 10 years, I can’t help but be overwhelmed by a city so unique in its history, culture and architecture.
3. I can actually forget about immigration law. When I’m in the daily grind, my mind is working overtime and overactively. At work, I have to remind myself to take deep breaths as I rush from one task to another in a neverending race to get cases done. When I come home, I’m still thinking and talking about work, and it takes a couple hours of TV to get me normal again. That could explain the tendency to veg on weeknights. But remove myself from the office, and I am still a person with interests, ones that have nothing to do with my job (gasp!) or bettering myself. I’ve spent a lot of time consuming stories… an audiobook and a whole TV series that I’ve seen before. I guess I’m still prone to distracting myself and keeping my mind engaged rather than being alone with my thoughts. Which leads me to…
4. Even when I have tons of free time on my hands, I don’t really choose to spend it with God. My life feels like it’s on fast forward. I don’t really slow down to go deep into the Bible or into journaling. I used to in law school when my life was more regimented. I even had a second desk in my room especially for quiet times. But journaling has pretty much stopped since I got married. I write maybe once every couple months. I used to write every day. I’ve never prayed every day. I had wanted to use this vacation, specifically the hours that Dave would be attending the conference, for some soul-searching and to get back on track with God. But instead, as soon as I woke up I would put on my iPod or pop in a DVD, or rush to a bus tour. This tells me it’s not about finding the perfect environment; it’s about removing the distractions. I need to go less with feelings and impulses and more with what I know is right.
5. I learned to use Dave’s MacBook Pro, and I like it more and more. Dave and I fantasize about “going Apple” and we’ve started by changing out the cheap stuff like our router and keyboards. For this vacation, I decided to leave behind my tiny Dell Inspiron laptop and take my chances with an alien system. The first few hours were frustrating as I had trouble navigating between programs and figuring out whether a program was even running. Typing and toggling between windows was excruciating because I kept trying to use Ctrl or Alt instead of the Apple button. I’m still very disturbed that there is no “delete” key that will allow you to delete to the right of the cursor. I use that key a lot when I type. Eh, I’m sure I’ll get over it. Now I’m really liking the elegant desktop and simplicity. It sure beats my laptop at work which, despite running Windows XP, forces the Windows Classic theme on each machine. Talk about institutional.
OK, time for bed. Tomorrow it’s back to Pasadena and getting ready to refit myself into the cog wheel.
I’m realizing from feedback I’m getting that my last post is kinda depressing. I tend to be that way – pessimistic and dramatic. So, I’m going to force myself to think of the good things from retreat. (It’s a discipline with me. I think I was raised to be highly critical of myself and everything around me. Good for a law career, bad for life.)
People genuinely laughed and had fun with each other. This is important, because church and the Christian life should be fun. The best part was during Battle of the Sexes when the guys had to identify five women’s purses being displayed on the TV screen. I took a video of them trying to do it –
We got to see a side of each other that would not have been visible without the retreat setting. Some people showed themselves to be amazing servants, cooking lots of food, working hard to make the games challenging and fun, and creating stimulating discussions. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it, since the last Sonai retreat was 3 years ago. The different setting helped me get to know people in other ways during activities we don’t normally do together, such as playing board/card games, brainstorming quiz questions in a team, throwing eggs at each other, and going on a photo scavenger hunt. I learned so much about my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that it has opened up many avenues of future interactions and conversations. I’m very excited.
We apparently work well as a team. Planning the retreat was a whole-group effort, and everyone committed to their roles and executed them faithfully. I think we would awesome on a short term mission, community project, or some kind of group service.
I’ve been thinking about what to say about Sonai retreat since it ended on Sunday morning, hoping something pithy or profound would come to my mind, but instead, I’m left with impressions and realizations. I’m writing this very quickly so it won’t be as polished as I’d like, but it’s better than keeping it all inside…
Despite all the effort that went into putting together the retreat and all the fun everyone seemed to have, our group still has trouble sharing what is in our hearts. This became really obvious during Saturday evening before the last sessions. Katy was encouraging us to share one thing we enjoyed about Sonai this year and one thing we’re looking forward to for next year. Well, like I sort of expected, as soon as the topic turned personal, it was silent in the room. A few people shared, including one relatively new and normally quiet person which was really encouraging, but the air in the room was still very awkward and stiff. I don’t know the reasons – at first blush, it would seem to be because most of us are introverts. But I know that God is bigger than our personality types or our character weaknesses. Katy has been trying to get us to share more and be more “real” but it hasn’t quite taken off. What will it take to get people to share more often and more genuinely?
Our group likes to do studies and intellectual things, but we do not have a culture of being different from the world or going out to impact the world. Pastor Mike talked about believism, which is worshiping what you believe rather than God. Many Christians fall into this trap. I think I’ve been struggling with this since college. When I first became a Christian my sophomore of college, I was filled with excitement and I did many things that, looking back, many “older” Christians now lack the courage to do – share the gospel with lots of people, try to lead anyone who is willing to Christ in prayer, trying to get them to go to Pathfinder or church, dreaming up unconventional ways of reaching my parents and relatives in Taiwan, etc. But I started becoming enamored more with reading about things than doing things, and even reading books about how doing rather than being and reflecting is bad, just to make myself feel better. I now feel really convicted that my faith is meaningless without action, without deeds, like the Book of James says. This is not to say I do nothing – I volunteer and serve on occasion, and there’s the biweekly prayer meeting I started, and you might argue that the Sonai retreat might not have happened without me, but what does all that matter really? What does it matter if I’m not getting out there to interact with nonbelievers and get them to think about their lives and eternal significance and challenge them spiritually?
For a spiritual retreat, we prayed very little. I think we spent more time playing board games and lounging around than praying with each other and encouraging each other. Individuals may have had different experiences, like those who intentionally sought out meaningful conversations with others, but this is my general sense of how we spent our free time as a group. There’s nothing wrong with recreation and competition, which can actually result in bonding, and I think it did – but I think this is related to our group’s tendency not to go deep or get personal… it’s easier to concentrate on moving pieces around on a board than opening up and being vulnerable to someone who is supposed to be our sibling in Christ and feeling uncomfortable.
Truly, the Christian life is not easier, but it’s better. I hope that this retreat was not just an exercise in futility but something that has planted seeds that will bloom in the coming months. I can honestly say that, despite all my failings and ugliness and selfish thoughts, I got to know a few people better and appreciate them for who they are. You don’t choose your family, and to some degree you don’t choose your spiritual family either. Sure, you can uproot and switch churches or fellowships, but the greater lessons are learned by investing in those who are already around you and loving them the best you know how. At least, that’s how I’ve decided to proceed.