Ode to Irvine
Friday, May 04, 2007
Goodbye, Irvine. I’ll miss your well-paved streets, your manicured bunny rabbit-filled parks, your oversized and lighted street signs, your Asian plazas that have not yet degenerated to traffic traps and parking hazards.
I’ll miss being so close to Ranch 99 Market, Costco and Target – all stores that will all be further away at our new city – and the nonstop building of a fourth Target and even more repetitive big box stores that define this perfect capitalistic suburbia. I’ll be glad to miss the ensuing traffic mania that will come and has slowly been building.
Goodbye, Irvine Company. I’ll miss your strangely efficient monopoly and uniform apartment complexes with their ever-turning-over corporate managers and free lobby cookies. I’ll miss your headquarters where smiling and good looking non-Irvine residents refer wannabe residents to quickly-erected wooden buildings with European names that sound vaguely like desirable tourist destinations.
Goodbye, Metrolink. I won’t miss your cramped seats, ear-splitting horn and bell, and cloying conductors’ voices. I won’t miss running for trains that arrive 2 minutes early and splashing coffee all over my hand.
Hello, Pasadena.
haha i like the last part of ‘I WON’T miss..”
i feel like i should write one for baltimore…I won’t miss driving down Martin Luther King Blvd on my way home everyday dodging potholes and homeless people and mothers with strollers alike. I won’t miss the finicky waste management system that forgets about my alley twice a month. I won’t miss the smell of moist rat shit permeating my back yard and images of fly larvae feasting on discarded chicken bones and roadkill bits pressed into the cracks of uneven pavement.
<span class="caps">HEELLOOOOOO</span> <span class="caps">SAN</span> FRANCISCO!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha… awesome! I didn’t know there was roadkill in Baltimore. It’s a <span class="caps">CITY</span> after all. Are we talking domestic dogs and cats, then? Gross!
Doh, I forgot this part about Irvine –
I’ll miss your Korean-half cylinder cake-like abandoned Air Base structures in the last open space along Jamboree…which is being converted into a gigantic strip mall with more of the same chain stores.
oh yes, there is roadkill in the city. mostly rats and pidgeons with the occasional newborn.
I forgot something, too –
oh, baltimore, I’ll miss your affluent-descended anarcho-anti-capitalist alcoholic punk hipster wannabes who <span class="caps">NEVER</span> shower and moved to the “ghetto” of Mt. Vernon to live a “working class life” while secretly driving a WV stocked with groceries from Trader Joe’s.
somehow this became sarcastic haha. oh well, it’s more satisfying this way
Um… newborns??? As in, newborn <span class="caps">HUMAN</span> BABIES??
Yeah, I was tempted to be really sarcastic, but I really am sad to leave Irvine so that didn’t seem right, though I was trying to poke fun at what makes Irvine Irvine. You’ve been there, right? It’s, like, a sickeningly nice suburb.
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